Slot 3: Monsters
Your friendly neighbourhood nemesi. Pop 'em before they tear you to shreds, get points. It's pretty simple, right? You've been doing this for decades now.
Friendship is Tragic
Bronies invade the map
For as long as there have been childrens cartoons, there have been people WELL outside of their target audience who insist on watching them. This is just this generation's. These tubby little fellas aren't that good at fighting or talking to girls, but they're fantastic at long-winded internet forum posts.
...This probably seemed a lot more relevant five years ago.
Imp My Ride
Imps invade the map
You thought an imp was a cute little dude in a red suit with a pitchfork. Where did all these fireball slinging bastards come from? They come in all shapes and sizes, but all are eager to burn you alive. Some people find these things vaguely erotic, but people can find basically anything sexy despite all evidence to the contrary. Just ask David Cronenberg!
Night of the NPCs
Strife NPCs invade the map
Once upon a time there was a Doom engine game called Strife and there were these harmless-ish civillian and hobo actors in it who'd punch at you if provoked and then some idiot made an Invasion Mode mod about them and then that mod evolved into Reelism so we can't just remove them!
Floating eyeballs invade the map
I wanted to come up with a ton of eye puns for this paragraph, but I knew that if I did so I'd hate myself for the rest of the week, so I'll just get to the point. Here are some giant floating eyeballs from Corridor 7, and they shoot ball lightning at you. Capiche?
Night of the Shooting Dead
Former Humans invade the map
20 years ago, you were probably swapping war stories with one of these guys. Now it's time to swap some lead upside their head. That's right, it's the Zombiemen and Shotgun Guys getting their chance to shine!
Order of the Hellish Empire
Barons of Hell and Hell Knights invade the map
Tough as dump trucks and nearly as big, the Hell Knight and Baron of Hell are the worst things on two legs since the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Hope your armory's well-stocked enough to take on this tide of Bruiser Brothers if they show up, for if you were to die quickly they'd surely be disappointed.
They Were Robots
Robots invade the map
We found some surplus stock of Templar armor from Strife, so we stuffed some robot parts in there and strapped a flamethrower to it. Then we found a trashcan and superglued it to some caterpillar tracks and hastily tied a laser gun to it. Thank heavens for that MacGuyvering 101 class down at the local community college, or we'd be down a reel and that'd just be weird.
Jetpack Larrys invade the map
A refugee from the "Truckosaurus Incident", Larry and his hundreds of friends (also all named Larry) are suddenly a lot higher on the food chain now that they're hunting you instead of an invulnerable carbeast.
THE JERK Cometh!
THE JERK spawns and roams the earth once again
The good news is that monsters will stop spawning for the round. The bad news is that THE JERK will come visit in their stead. A surprisingly upset fellow, THE JERK is perpetually unhappy and also very invulnerable, so you should just book it and hope he squishes a bunch of the monsters around him in the meantime.
Dogs invade the map
I hope you're not a cat person, because a tidal wave of German Shepards is homing in on you.
Spooks 'n' Kooks
Ghouls and Ghosts invade the map
OOOoooOOOoooOOO! The dead have risen from their graves! Bat ghosts have arisen to swoop at you like the weirdos that they are, Scalliano's Scientist Zombies are out for blood with some expertly thrown scapels, and the Zombieman has traded his gun for a chainsaw, because apparently that's a thing the shambling undead do nowadays. What happened to just biting dudes and deleting your savegames between episodes?
Knights and Archers invade the map
Hernán Cortés didn't have movies or porn, so to kill time, he picked up genocide. As a hobby, of course, definitely not on the competitive circuit. They didn't really have much else during the Renaissance. These Medieval warriors have been ripped from a simpler, violent-er time, and in a state of permanent culture shock, they slice shit up and plug you full of arrows.
Aliens invade the map
Who are they? Why are they here? Are they after our gold? What about our rectums (for some reason)? Do they just want to have a jam session, which I think is how Close Encounters ended? We may never know if we don't act soon. Maybe you could give them the flu? That always seems to work.
Wolfenstein 3D enemies invade the map
Relive the deaths of millions of people over six bloody years of horror and conflict with a bunch of pixelated goosesteppers from a 20 year old goofy-ass action game! These idiots are roughly one tier of competence above Hogan's Heroes and one below the re-enactments on the History Channel, but they've still got all the accuracy of... well... stormtroopers. Get Psyched and get at 'em!
Cowboys invade the map
Herding to-be steaks across vast swathes of desert. Vicious, senseless, bloodsoaked barfights. Anonymous airport restroom sex. The life of a cowboy is one of solace and internal torment, which is just the right mixture of emotions to take out on your city-boy ass. Y'all don't come back now, y'hear?
What! About! Bob!
BOBs invade the map and rush to your aid
If you thought Apple fanboys are insufferable today, then the early '90s must have really sucked for you (and also them!). Instead of Doom, the shooter-du-jour was Marathon, which was notable for its utterly fucked gravity and a small horde of friendly allies called BOBs that the game gleefully encouraged you to slaughter with extreme prejudice. We found a bunch in an old warehouse in Chicago and have unleashed them into Reelism!
OH FUCK, SKELETONS!
Skeletons and Revenants invade the map
And you thought the dogs were bad enough! At least these agitating bastards aren't held together as well as they used to be.
Cultists invade the map
Typically, when you've played classic FPS games for two decades, the monsters stop becoming even mildly worrying. Even the biggest, toothiest beast becomes thrillless busy work. But there is one piece of cannon fodder that even today causes the most grizzled veteran to immediately dive for the nearest cover. And that is the humble cultist. Equipped with amazing accuracy, a whole bunch of explosives and a fine line in pseudo-latin gibberish, they're as dangerous as they are flammable.