Slot 1: World
The rules on this slot alter the world at large. Millions die. Economies rise and fall. A tiny butterfly beats its wings, and suddenly you can run like the dickens.
BLOODY SCREEN SO REAL!
Player speed is reduced, but regenerating health is enabled
In a desperate, shameless bid to make Reelism appeal to 12 year olds from Kentucky with wonderful opinions about race and sexuality that they feel compelled to share with everyone on the internet, this rule lowers your movement speed and enables health regeneration.
Don't worry, 12 year olds from Moscow with wonderful opinions about race and sexuality, I'll probably add a Dota reel next expansion so you don't feel left out.
The gravity generators on the good ship Reelism take a smoko, and as a result everything gets all floaty and awkward. Fun when combined with Pogo Sticks! And by fun, I mean practically uncontrollable.
Warning: May cause traumatic flashbacks to CTF-FacingWorlds.
Too. Much. Caffeine.
Weapon speed is doubled
So what happens if you inject energy drinks directly into your bloodstream? Well, in reality you'd get an air bubble in your veins and die a horrible, painful death. But this is a videogame, and not a particularly good one at that, so instead your weapons fire and reload at double the normal speed. Also, you'll never sleep again.
Monsters always gib upon death
Since the rest of the team at 300 Pounds denied my request to add ill-fitting anime hair and gross sex mods to Reelism, this is the only piece of the Fallout experience that's getting in. This rule makes everything gib messily, even if you flick it with your finger. Especially if you flick it with your finger.
Green Is Turbo!
Player movement speed is doubled
You entered a command-line parameter and now you run at double speed. Man, John Romero is gonna be PISSED when he finds out. Quick! Someone set up a tape recorder in his office! This is gonna be great...
Players are granted unlimited ammo
You're always outnumbered, but with this reel enabled you'll never be outgunned. Spray your metal love everywhere without the slightest reprimand, and briefly become a stormcloud of death. Just be warned that not all weapons react well to this...
Wing and a Prayer
Players can fly
When Icarus gained the power of flight, he flew too close to the sun and his wings melted, sending him crashing back to Earth and an eternal torment of mediocre Nintendo games. Luckily, the Doom engine is too primitive to have a concept of environmental lighting so when this rule grants you the power of flight for the rest of the round, you won't have to worry about that.
Monsters explode upon death
Everyone loves explosions! Until you become one, at any rate. That bit usually sucks. This rule fills everyone's bellies with a hearty dose of nitroglycerine and TNT, causing explosions upon death. This results in possible chain reactions, the occasional accidental suicide, and other semtex-related hilarity. Also available for Bar Mitzvahs!
Somewhere just outside the map limits, the US Army Band will all simultaneously produce dog whistles and perform a tear-jerking rendition of The Star Spangled Banner. All that high pitched noise can't be heard by players, but monsters will be assaulted by the cacophony and will stagger around defenselessly and confused.
Grease is the Word
Friction is disabled
Due to budget cuts at Reelism HQ, we have to turn off the concept of friction for a couple of minutes between 2 and 3PM. This is great for our energy bills, but not so great for you where instant-death traps are prevalent. Enemies are unaffected, because the Doom engine.
Find the Antidote
Player health slowly drains
Oh no! You've been poisoned! Possibly by a sinister crime lord in a Shanghai nightclub! But there's no beautiful nightclub singer or comedy child sidekick for you, bucko. Just your health gradually ticking down second by second. Health kits and caution should buy you enough time to see this through.
Map is covered in a thick fog
Return to the heady days of 1964, when the air was thick with cigarette smoke resulting in a permanent fog shrouding the land. Or this could just be a lame joke about Turok Dinosaur Hunter roughly 15 years after it was last relevant. Your call. Either way, there's a lot of fog and you can't see a thing.
Screen is obscured by touchscreen controls
Speaking of lame nerd "humor", here's one that covers your screen in fake touchscreen controls. No, it won't actually work on your touch-enabled laptop. You've chosen to use your cutting-edge technology to play a 20-year-old game with added dog jokes, so you deserve the chain-yanking.
Player HUD is disabled
Obscure-ass easter eggs are never as much fun when they become an actual, advertised part of the sequels. Harken back to the Xbox era's favorite dick move with this rule, which turns off your HUD. But hey, it's not like you actually need to see how much health or ammo you have, right?
Superweapons have a chance of spawning
This rule is special, in that it reacts to whatever's in Slot 2! It adds a single superweapon, unique to each Slot 2 rule, to the weapon spawner pool for that round. These weapons are usually very powerful and only come with limited ammo, so use them cautiously and sparingly!
Or don't. YOLO.
Players are immune to fire
I'm so proud of this rule name, you guys. It's the pinnacle of a long career in punning. All those days of getting punched and pushed into lockers are finally worth it! This makes you immune to fire for a round, so feel free to dick around in burning ruins taunting all the monsters. Just make sure you get out before the round ends...
Player attacks do four times the damage
Magnum upgrade! As it has done faithfully all these years, this oddly self-promotional blue glyph will bless your attacks with four times the punch and some glorious guitar sounds as you carve your way through the slog. Let the gibbing commence!
All blood particles are replaced with shiny gold coins
Time is money. Blood is money. QED, time is blood. Checkmate, atheists! In accordance with a United Nations Special Tribunal on Super Mario, all monsters are now required to bleed coins. This will probably have some disastrous effect on the global economy, but you should still pick them up for extra points.